Today, like any other day, alarm is shouting but I am lazy… I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to follow the so called routine of mine, my eyes are just not ready to open and see the harsh reality… but not everything u want is fulfilled, with this thought I get up and head towards the bathroom… little dozy little sleepy I look at myself in the bathroom mirror…
I lean forward to have a closer look at my face and a conversation from the previous day rings a bell….
Cut to the previous day…
R comes to meet me at my place …
R: Aur bata kaisi hai???
Me: Mai badhiya tu bata…
R: Bas ek dum mast….
(followed by the usual chit chats)
R: Hey, Kya hua hai??
Me: Kya?????
R: somethings wrong… has something happened?
Me: What??
R: U look upset, sad… u look tired…
Me: (pause) mmmmmm, yaa probably im sleepy dats y..
R: No, its not the usual sleepy face… its different… everything alrite??
Me: Yaaaaaaaa……. R u crazy??? Nothing serious… just chill
R: U cant lie to me… u look different and unhappy…everything good at work and home??
Me: yaaaaaa…. Its fine yaar…
R: ok…. anyway (and the talk continues)
Back to the present….
I lean forward to have a closer look at my face, trying to smile, trying all the possible expressions that I usually have… I ask myself… What is it??? Is there something really wrong with me like they say??? When was the last time I had my usual smile on??? Am I really tired??? If yes, what is it I am tired of?? Why is it that everything looks so fake??? Its not that all of them are bad… still I don’t like their presence, why???
Im tired, im bored, im irritated, this is not me… the anger, the irritation, the boredom, the lazyness, this is just not me…
The laughter, the giggles have disappeared, the craziness has disappeared, the passion has taken a back seat, the fun seems far away, the essence has gone…
I miss myself…
